I’ve taken a little much more time lately to pull myself through grief and loss which has caused some pain to resurface of the past few years. For a few days or more this past week most of my focus was to get ahead on additional writing, marketing strategies and such on getting the re mastered versions of the books from the book series worked on. I was side swiped which halted book work. I tried so hard to push any emotions away which wasn’t doing me any good to say the least. I cried, not sobbed, felt panic which I was able to catch before going into a full panic attack. “Deep breath, Shellie, deep breath,” saying to myself. My thoughts were scattered. Why do they leave this earth so soon? If only they could live forever without putting family and friends through the pain of the loss. What can we do to relieve the pain? How can we not cry, especially when your feeling to? I listened and observed of those around me for a couple of days at least.
The day of my counseling session I discussed how I had been feeling and why I was feeling a great deal of emotional pain, how I’m coping, what I’m doing to keep the memories from not interfering. I did what I normally do. My alone time with up lifting music, singing along to my favorite pop, gospel, R&B, Christian soul spirited music. It rejuvenates my soul, helping ease the emotional pain keeping me from going numb completely. Before the week ended I was coming down with yet another sinus infection that which I’m quite prone to. Through the emotional pain was as well physical pain. My depression was all over the place. Took a good amount away from social media and work to rest on all levels emotionally, mentally as much physically even though of my previous losses and gas lighting encounter that led to emotional abuse. Sitting here right now writing this flashbacks are happening. Time for me to get going take a little scenic route and listen to my feel good music.
Coping with emotional pain is and can be exhausting. It drains you. (sigh)………
Now that there’s a sense of stability in my life I get to thinking what will happen next, feelings of what’s next in line. Will there be a job or career change? Is it time to settle down to domestic bliss? I have these questions front and center as I can see it completely clear. I can see myself sticking to my writing career, blogging more, create more magic and have the domestic bliss all at once without the stress and pressures unlike before my homelessness. I was drained, dragged down from unwanted pressures from others around me before. You need to do this. You should be thinking of the future. You’re not doing as I tell you. I’m giving you solicited advice but your not listening to me. Your not prioritizing what needs to be done. “Well, for one you’re more so telling me what to do rather than supporting, helping me with what I need the help in”, I’ve said to those individuals. I’ve set more boundaries and I need for them to respect my boundaries. Those who were much more supportive of my situational issues were front and center helping all they can and could do. I felt much more content not the egg shell walking feeling. I pick up on vibes people convey, act and do rather than just talking.
Here I am now after the unwanted pressures have been lifted, my heart is feeling happy beating with a smile. I feel it, that warm fuzzy feeling. I’m so corny. hahahaha
I have most recently spent time with a relative and his family. I’ve missed family time a great deal over the past 4 years. With it now is a reminder how much I need and want more family time. I love my family if their in my life or not. It’s their choice. I still love them even though they may think otherwise. The holidays have changed drastically in the past few years alone. I want to cry sometimes when I think of all these changes. Not having mom and dad, our traditions and non traditions hit a nerve. I just cry or at least lately have suppressed it causing my depression to bounce around. I’ve been covering it up with my sarcastic attitude. I’m not as talkative either when it occurs. I’m quite the chatty person considering I’m still a true introvert at heart.
I want a family of my own badly. I’ve discussed it with only a few people closest to me. They want it for me too. I feel their support, their encouraging nature. They tell me it is a full time job being a house wife/mother. I’m finally ready for it now. I have the experience. It could very well happen in the next couple of years. Settling down! Me! Never thought about it especially after the abuse. The length of time after was and seemed extremely long. I was emotionally scarred. My heart damaged. Triggers had a way to happen often. 3 years now later the flashbacks become less and less though they do occur, I’m able to notice it much more. Every now and then I remind my significant other of the scars I live with. He sure takes his time with me even at times I drive him crazy. Knowing ourselves has made our relationship stronger. You certainly won’t hear much of him let alone his name as I remain to keep my private life private. I may be an open book there are instances though that aren’t spoken of. I’ll let my writing speak for itself for what’s to come next.
It has been some time since I have felt the need to write a testimonial. I know what to say and how to say it is though without receiving any pity from anyone. I’m not ashamed to say I was near homeless. The thought of it is down right scary, it was the fact of experiencing it first hand. Where to go and who I could possibly go to who would understand my situation. There was a time of uncertainty, battling with myself, trying to understand why it happened. Could it have been prevented? Of course it could have been. By law during a pandemic, landlords are to comply with CDC guidelines, evictions are over turned in court. There’s a reason by every story. Mine wasn’t a shock to me, nor did it take me by surprise. In fact I fought it to the point of trying to find someone who would help me look into legal representation. I was told there wasn’t anything I could do after 30 days even though it was close to 30 days to be exact. Furiously agitated mentally as much emotionally my days were just trying to get by doing what I could do, and with three cats neither of us were stable to say the least. It came down to admitting myself to a crisis center for help and assistance. For quite some time all worked out. It was turning around. I fought with myself quite a bit, it was mostly fighting to live in a stable matter. It did for a short period of time in transitional housing. I do admit that much. Nothing prepared me for what was coming next. Back in the same situation. Came to a point of a call I made that would change for the better and it did. A month went by, 2 months went by, my anxiety and depression had eased up immensely. Progressed and for once can say I felt better than I did in more than 3 years. Reunited with all 3 of my girls, Reba, Daisy and Pink, my loves. I was happy, I felt joy. Stability, finally after all that time from living in an apartment to barely having any place to live for that matter. I practically lived in and out of my car for more than a month. I must say my faith was tested tremendously, I barely knew where it was at times. I asked God to take care of it but it seemed as if he wasn’t listening. I wasn’t resting in him until I learned what it was. Watching Joseph Prince daily, listening to his words filled my heart. It was a reminder where I needed to go and who to surround myself with. What I learned the most was to trust in the Lord as for some time I lost that trust. He renewed me in a sense of peace leaning on him. He was listening to my prayers when I didn’t think he did. He pulled me out of the situation and with the rightful one’s. There are people who want the best of you and for you. Some of them only say what they say and not act on their words. I’ll let God take care of them while I continue on my rightful path. There are much better things to come and a challenge or two. Human nature to live through life challenges.
Finding any sense of peace these days has been difficult with the burden I’m living with right now. At a particular moment I’m complete, one with myself and at other times a complete mess. I know who I can go to in the messy times. We talk listen to each other with content. I’m a bluntfully honest person so people need to understand the truth when I speak although they misunderstand which means I have to repeat myself more than once. It’s tiring, so tiring. Have been back and forth with it. The strain of the living situation. I’m getting by on a physical level, emotionally and mentally I’m on the yo yo train. The chaos of my mind doesn’t shut down much, only time it does is when I’m sleeping. I could literally sleep 24 hrs at a time and did do over a week and a half ago. I was isolating, avoiding my responsibilities. I fall behind on such important tasks as to making phone calls, cleaning, and what not. Literally had been a mess for more than a month now. What is getting me through it are a number of things from bible study, time spent in the park, even a little drive has done wonders for me. I’ve thrown myself into my work, writing, revisions of the previous book of the book series I began back in 2013. Blogging and graphic designing keeps my mind from wondering too much let alone the racing thoughts that pop up from time to time. I’m an over thinker, introvert/extrovert person. I get sticky as what I call it. Living with a form of mental illness is never fun it is merely navigating life with it. I’m extremely pro active on mental health, mental health awareness due to my struggles. I talk with other mental health warriors, survivors. There’s a sense of peace that comes from talking with them, it opens the gap for me to feel real peace. God love those who’ve been my source of comfort these days. I truly credit my church family and a few others whom I can trust, have trust in without any motives. God does listen when you don’t think at all. That too is peace. It comes from a higher power.
The amount of stress I’ve been through in two weeks time has put my physical health at risk due to my mental health. I’ve been coping, reminding myself to take care of myself due to some financial strain. It was and never has been a problem until recently. Now I’m re evaluating the situation so that I can move forward and let God be in control of things. I can only do so much as I don’t need a mental health break down. Heaven forbid it! I’ve literally thrown myself into my work, writing, poetry, art and graphic designs, journaling, etc. Life has been one heck of a roller coaster for a couple months. Self employment isn’t what some say is easy unless your doing what you love, have a passion for, work hard and have fun with it. It’s a true blessing to be able to do what I do and to bring in an income again. Praying quite often has lifted my stress, reading, crafting and baking as well. It has a way to help release the lack of energy reminding me to be self motivated again. Putting my coping skills in play has been a God send even. Have learned quite a bit when, to and from therapy and group over the past few years. When times get to be too much, much like recently using it. Here I am keeping my head above water when it wants to weigh me down. Life isn’t always easy.
These days have been a complete whirlwind, my mind spinning on end which brings upon panic attacks. Medication regulates both the panic and anxiety. Functioning has been quite the struggle yet I remain to keep my sanity. insert (sarcastic tone)…..
Daily tasks are divided into groups.
The washing of dishes, clothes, etc.
bills, utilities, sorting paperwork
sorting, dividing items that no longer needed and those that are for keeping. Kept items are put into storage totes.
groceries every 4 weeks, small errands are minimal to grocery store.
cats (play time, feeding, watered and cleaned)
This is only half of the growing list. I have a difficult time putting myself first above all else. Though I’ve had to create breaks of the tasks to be done. 1 person can only do so much in a days time, and I for one need to take care of myself, my health and what not. Life happens and it causes stress and I haven’t been short of it either. Learning to adjust, moving forward in fast pace will only create more stress, and the continued stress will only cause my mental health to take a dive downward. Making big decisions are coming on wise choice logically thinking through them before plunging in.
I want to throw this out to everyone for a moment. How are you handling stress in your daily life? Are you running, spinning yourself through exhaustion? Are you taking care of yourself?
Scaling back on several tasks at hand, taking breaks when needed is finally working for me without over doing it. Dividing everything into groups has been a real lifesaver recently. Thank God!
I must admit I’m only human not super woman wanting to save the day for everyone. I need to take better care of myself and my health. Advocating mental health has truly been hot on the platform trail for quite awhile. It’s really keeping me in check.
In a year’s time I danced with the devil and more times than I can count, and let’s say it has been more than a handful. I reflect back on it and can say I’m so lucky to be alive, living and breathing. There were several moments of doubt as much as confusion. I battled between my heart and mind often. Nothing quite clicked. The trauma stuck to me like glue not wanting to come undone and from it several people have come and gone, and those who remained by my side I’m truly grateful for. They have been the biggest support through the transition, the mourning, the loss and grief. Adjusting wasn’t easy. It is finally now becoming softer. I recall someone who I’ve know since I was a tiny tot tell me recently it becomes softer in time. I’m feeling it now. I’m absolutely excited to begin the next chapter. It will take me on many travels and adventure, and I’m so ready for the change and the move. Yes, it will be scary at first yet I know I’ll adjust well. I’ll write to you all with updates, share the new moments created, new traditions, even meal recipes, and from time to time new friends, true friends. The friendships that have come from it is by far been incredible. Sitting here right now I’m thinking to myself, wow! Shellie you’re going to make it in this life and you’re going to experience new experiences, learning something new with each single passing day and feel excited over the experience. I’m learning what domestic bliss is. I never thought I would ever say this either. Domestic bliss is happening. Dang it, it does feel good!
In light of my new testimony a new poem emerged and it’s suits it well with the transition and changes.
The Next Chapter
I’ve danced with the devil, prayed out loud.He found out only to send me the signs. Here’s to the next chapter of my life The changes to be were meant to be. There coming so fastly. In my heart my soul I’m feeling such a glow. It’s the spark I never thought I’d ever know, and now that I do I know the one who’s always there. He has given me considerable hope.Not any stress not even a mess, and when I am he calms me to the bone. Such a blessing in disguise. What he’s done he listens and cheers me on.I have those who are family and with him in the chapter will be quiet clear, greatest transitions are coming near. The excitement is in the air.
Throughout the duration of abuse whether physical, domestic, emotional, mental, to Narcissistic or of any form of abuse a persons life is completely transformed. There’s a new way to live and how to adapt and adjust to the new ways, coping becomes a challenge, a struggle daily. At the beginning after the abuse I was starting over trying to learn who I was, I am and just doing what I could to get through each passing day. My self worth was battered simply because I continued to blame myself for the involvement, how he manipulated, brain washed, gas light me to believe what I did for so long was due to unconditional love which wasn’t what it was. He rooted himself within me. After the no contact ended there was a hitch that led me to living in complete fear of the person. He did me a favor in the end as I began to live a more purposeful life. It surely toughened me, I became wiser, stronger and smarter in my life choices and who I led into my life. I found myself completely guarded, yet I knew who I could trust and count on even on the not so good days which there were. I learned to sit in the discomfort of the pain, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Nature, it became my solid foundation, writing again and strongly intensefully in my poetry and blogs after opening up. It was by far the scariest, terrifying moment to become candidly open in the blog. I’m referencing back to the blog on stolen identity.
Never say it won’t happen to you because it can especially in an online setting.
I remain to have the memories and flashbacks, I live with it. Most women do and will always it’s just how we live and what we can do in bettering our lives. It gets better in time. The healing and recovery has no time frame.
I’m living a new life, it transformed me completely.
2019 began with great difficulty with the fluctuating depression, anxiety & PTSD. It knocked the wind out of me, literally speaking. At times I felt paralyzed, isolated to avoid social interaction. The physical illness itself took a toll on my immune system. I developed a sinus infection twice, the second time turned into an upper respiratory infection. With the coaxing of my father, cousin and best friend I made it a point to rest my mind and body the best I could even with the war I was fighting internally.
I was at a point I needed trauma counseling due to the nightmares and dreams returning that which plagued me for nearly a year and half. I hated myself and my lack of self worth crippled me. My best friend and I talked even during his busiest. He’s my shoulder to cry on. He’s seen it all in me, the good, the bad and the ugly. In a nutshell he understands my living with a mental illness and learning disabilities. He knows my stubborn streak, my perfectionism, how strongly independent I am, right down to the core of me. He has been a huge part of my life and will remain to be. My writing is the strongest that it’s ever been because of him. I’m eternally grateful.
Nothing has come as planned this year with the year half over. It all has become a blur, at the same time I’ve gained greater strength and wisdom. Life is short, the world is wide. I have the freedom now and I’m ready for all the changes to come. Traveling will be checked off my bucket list during the month of August, and I’m excited, nervous and just plain happy to be living my grand purpose during this lifetime. The personal connections have become truly fulfilling.
In a year’s time I’ve gone through the unimaginable turmoil, complete dead of silence, to immeasurable grief and loss. The color of my life was dark, so very dark. I didn’t have any hope or at least that’s what I thought. My pain and suffering was daily even through my smile or laughter. I hid behind it all. I finally opened up in the fall due to fear of harassment, assault and to being judged for what I was a part of and did. I blamed and shamed myself, felt complete guilt, my self worth and confidence wasn’t even a part of me. There did come a part of learning much more of the new me and who I am as a person, learning to better take care of myself and not listen to outside chatter. I found peace among the chaos of my mind, found a place beyond four walls. I became a part of a grand purpose and it was truly life changing. The very moment getting involved with Stark Parks of Stark County Ohio felt incredibly satisfying. There was more though and it is Tai Chi, a way to deeply connect with my mind, body and soul. This is living the new me. NO MORE RETAIL, 5 or 6 hour shifts 4 days a week job. Gone! That’s not my life. It is much more than any job combined. It’s living and doing what I’m meant to do. I’m giving you me, this new me. I’m living. There was hope all along and someone pointed it out to me along the way. He showed me and taught me to feel free, free spirited and free with life and let it be.
I remain to struggle with the challenge of the chaos of my mind. I know though what’s right and what to do what I want and need for me, not for anyone else. The kid in me did come back that I do know, and my love and guidance from the Lord to those watching and guiding me along the way. Not every day will be smooth sailing and I know it. It is merely getting through it.
God’s plans were already created for me. He’s put forth in me considerable strength which taught me a great deal of wisdom and resilience. His work in me is not done. I’m working through him.